The Unwanted
by morbid333
Summary: For some, the sunny cue of a new day would bring nothing of divine meaning. Wheras some lived for the day and others the night,there were a select few who lived only to die, their curse to survive. They allowed the days to pass them by. Shani/Lacus
1. The Unwanted and the Junkie

**The Unwanted**

**Author's Notes: **I've had this in planning for a while now. If timed correctly, it would have been the second story with this pairing…. However, it didn't quite go that way. I'm assuming this is the third, unless someone else has beaten me to it as well… Anyway, this story follows as a sort of unofficial sequel to my one-shot **Laughter is the Best **Remedy. If you go and read that before this, you'll get a little insight as to Lacus' background and why she's living alone. I want to thank **someone'sbuny** for your story **Just Peripherals, **for evoking my fetish for Shani/Lacus. Also, an unofficial reference belongs to Draconian for their song **The Cry of Silence. **I was contemplating quoting some of the spoken lyric portions (and I have.) To see what I mean, you'd have to search for the lyrics, but don't blame me when you come to what same may label as its emoness. Technically, the band, well, Anders at least, describes the band as dark gothic, so there! XP

Anyway, this is another of my broken Lacus incarnations, as well as my first attempt at the Shani/Lacus pairing. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Gundam Seed  
The song **The Cry of Silence** belongs to **Draconian**

**Summary: **For some, the sunny cue of a new day would bring nothing of divine meaning. Whereas some lived for the day and others the night, there were a select few who lived only to die, their curse to survive. They allowed the days to pass them by. Birthdays and holidays went unmarked on their calendar. Their lives had run out of distractions. Each neatly outlined box on the calendar's grid marked another day gone and one more closer to death. On a street in orb, a junkie lay waiting to die. He'd given up on life. He no longer had reason to exist. He was simply waiting for death to show him the mercy that life had thus far deprived. Contains foul language and drug use. Shani/Lacus.

* * *

**The unwanted and the Junkie**

_I am truly left alone, but somehow... just somehow, it feels like my loneliness is a victory, over the self-delusion of joy... and happiness_

In the salty streets of the Islands of Orb, the sun did hide behind the clouds, its pusillanimous repugnance casting sheets of disdain upon the lowly creatures that swarmed below. Behavior akin to a coward, that loathsome ball of light refused to show its detestable face.

There were some people in this world who loved the day; warm, bright, yellow, fun.

Young children especially enjoyed to marvel in the suns abhorrent, murderous radiation. They would run and tumble and play in the sun. The night-time was scary but day-light was fun. They'd frolic like lambs on a farm that grows meat, ignorance sheltering them from the truth of their mortality.

With glee-etched masks they relished in games, deriving an innocent yet orgasmic pleasure from pure simplicity.

Children were so innocent. Children were so ignorant. They knew naught of the world and its cruel ways but they would learn. In time the cruel lessons would be learned. Their stupidity would be cured, their void of knowledge filled with misery.

For some, the sunny cue of a new day would bring nothing of divine meaning. Whereas some lived for the day and others the night, there were a select few who lived only to die, their curse to survive. They allowed the days to pass them by.

Birthdays and holidays went unmarked on their calendar. Their lives had run out of distractions. Each neatly outlined box on the calendar's grid marked another day gone and one more closer to death.

On a street in orb, a junkie lay waiting to die. He'd given up on life. He no longer had reason to exist. He was simply waiting for death to show him the mercy that life had thus far deprived.

* * *

As the morning dragged on, another unwanted lay curled up in a building not so far away.

As her tranquil slumber snuck away with an unjust determination to abandon her; her sore, dry throat responded to the late-morning atmosphere with a low groan.

Sleepy eyelids began to separate, drawing further apart and allowing the light to shine through. She raised an arm to shield her fair-skinned face from daylight's burning intensity as the brutal sun ravaged all, sending out it's despicable rays across the land, looming over the sky, looking down on all, flying high with its power unchecked and unchallenged.

She ran a tired hand through long tresses of pink and brought a handful before her eyes – A handful of loose hair.

Her eyes suddenly snapped open to full width at this horrific marvel. Sleep's seductive embrace held her no more.

She held in her hand, a clump of her hair. On the sofa of which she lay, were countless strands of her hair – a bed of hair.

With bated breath she began frantically rummaging her hands through the cherry fibers that covered her sofa.

As the free strands eluded her frantic fingertips, the girl could feel the air about her grow thin. Her respiratory system lunged into overdrive and anxiety plunged her heart rate into dangerous new speeds, painfully hammering on the insides of her body, yet still unable to feed her brain, depriving it of the precious oxygen required to comprehend these abominable circumstances.

Her horror-struck body convulsed and jerked from the shallow breathing that left her feeling light-headed and faint.

She rushed to a standing position and hurried to the nearest mirror at a pace faster than her legs could carry her. This, combined with the blood that had rushed from her head from the rapid pace of her ascent, made her success in not taking a sudden trip to the ground seem like the greatest achievement in history.

Once she had caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, the look of horror set itself firmly into the young woman's eyes. As if it would have made any difference in the darkened room, the pinkette's usually anemic, undernourished face grew significantly paler.

"Wha…?" she stated, her lips quivering, her tongue barely moving, her mouth refusing to form the words. The girl's verbal horror was expressed by an unintelligible noise. Her voice was unsteady and broken. It cracked uncontrollably, wavering in octave, like that of a young musician who had just discovered vibrato.

She clasped at what remained of her hair and a silent scream caught in her throat, threatening to asphyxiate her, depriving her tired, worn brain of what little oxygen it had to call its own.

She might have cried in self-pity, had she any tears left to shed.

"What…" she asked herself in horror and disbelief, barely able to choke out the words. "What have I done?"

* * *

Out on the streets, a groan could be heard. A young man in the gutter, the people rushed by, lest they be asked to help. They cared not for this lad and so rushed on with their lives, passing him by, to lay there and die.

A junkie no more, no less but exact. A druggie alone to die addict's death.

The people who passed him spared only one glance.

A look of disdain, disgust, and of shame.

They judged him, despised him, and showered him in hate but not pity.

He lay as the homeless, the hopeless, the broken, the dead.

The sun looked down on him. It's golden rays flew down like fallen perversions of archangels to molest the fair skin of his face, as much of it that could be seen, as much of it that insolently refused to remain obscured by his thick mess of green.

"Shani?" a voice called out as a young blond man hurried over to the incapacitated youth. "Damn it, Shani. There you are!" he bellowed. "Just what the hell have you been doing all this time?"

When he received no response, he knelt down before the green haired young man.

"Shani?" he asked, unsure. "Come on, get your lazy ass up and come home. I'm not having that guy punish me because of _you!"_

_

* * *

_

The pinkette sighed into the mirror. Once she'd had time to breathe, take it all in, and look at it from all angles, she'd been able to calm herself.

"I guess… It's not… so… bad?" she uttered. It was true. Her hair _had _been getting difficult and unmanageable lately, but did that mean it deserved to be sliced off, to die? Perhaps it was simply time for a change. She'd been thinking about it, discussing it, debating the idea with herself.

She'd been more than a little drowsy, both from life, and from pharmacy shelf sedatives. She'd always been known to do rather silly things when drowsy, such as the disclosing of secrets, talking about things best left unsaid, the revelations of certain inalienable truths, and most embarrassingly, the admittance of certain feelings towards certain people; people who, to put it lightly, did not feel the same way.

Even if she'd been aware and completely sober, so to speak, of what she was doing, she was far from a professional stylist. Her self-induced haircut was thus, a fair way short of expertly done. Some strands were out of place and uneven. It would have to be tidied up by a professional later on.

Despite that, she'd managed to layer it, or as close as an armature without proper hairdressing equipment could get to it. It wasn't good but it was good enough.

The right corner of her lip pulled into the twisted shadow of a smile. She'd worn her hair long for most of her life. It was time for a change. It was time she moved on. It was merely unfortunate that no one was around to see it.

With a sigh, she decided it was time to clean up. She'd made quite a mess, last night. There was no one here to do it for her so she'd have to do it herself. She went into the kitchen and pulled out a plastic bag, an old one she'd gotten from the supermarket months ago. The dull logo of the shop still shone like a shabby lighthouse in the sea of wrinkled white plastic.

She dragged the bag into the living room and wearily knelt down before the soiled couch as though she were praying at a shrine. She began quickly working her fingers through the thickness of hair on the couch, sifting through it, picking it up and dragging it toward her, placing it gently in the plastic bag.

_Such a waste,_ she thought morosely to herself. She wondered if anything could be done with it. There was a lot of hair going into that little bag. She'd rather it serve a purpose than simply be thrown out to rot in some landfill far away.

To bury hair was a waste, as was to burn it, unless for heat or to fuel a fire for reasons other than to burn. Perhaps it could be sold to a wig shop or some such place. Surely _someone_ in this forsaken city would be able to find a use for a large amount of pink hair.

There had to be _someone_ who'd want it. Surely someone had a use for these unwanted strands of pink that had once embraced her with warmth. It was hair. It held no intelligence of its own but sometimes she felt as though it were a living being, sentient in its own right. As though it were her friend, as though it cared for her, as though it wanted her, and in return, she had killed it. She had returned its affections with an old pair of household shears.

"This pair, to be exact," she said, picking up the household object. The long, slender blades still carried a small degree of sheen, which carried all the way up to the grey, plastic handle.

Sometimes she imagined that scissors were like a beautiful woman's legs, long and gleaming in the sadistic summer sun.

The girl narrowed her eyes at the absurd and foolish notion.

"This is all _your_ fault," she accused the shears angrily, throwing them across the room.

She stood and her anger subsided. "I'm sorry," she replied to the inanimate object. "I guess I just… I still need time to grow accustomed to the new me.

With a lament-filled sigh, she walked toward the thrown object, scooping up the hair bag as she went.

When she had picked up the object, she placed it delicately on the low table in the living room along with the bag containing her hair. That was when she remembered the thing from last night.

_That bottle, I… emptied it._

She'd need to get more of those pills to help her sleep tonight. She didn't care to lay awake all night and then stay in bed all day after that. That part of her was gone. Sure, she may not have come very far from the feeble wretch that lay curled up in bed, crying, waiting to die, hoping to sleep life away; but she was a little more alive, at least, if only a little.

She had begun to move on.

"I'm going to need more of those pills," she said.

She walked over to the window, and after taking one hesitant glance out the window at the sweltering sun riding the sky, she made her way outside.

She closed the unlocked door behind her and took her first few steps outward, into the sunlight that pleasured itself by branding its own mark on the unprotected skin of all who were unsuspecting and vulnerable.

That was when she saw that unforgettable sight; a young man, no older than she, laying in a disgraceful heap in the gutter. She wanted to leave the wretch alone. She should have left him alone. He was not her business. He was not her problem. He was not her concern. She convinced herself that no-one else would have bothered to help out the hopeless bum.

_Still…_

_This place has really gone downhill…_ Lacus tried to give a bitter smile at the country that was once perceived to be so great. It had once been a haven for Coordinators to live side by side with Naturals. After all, they had originally spawned from the planet as well. Some Coordinators would naturally prefer life on the planet's surface, sandwiched between the sea and the sky, would they not?

Now Orb was a festering dung heap. The very government was verging on the brink of collapse. She tried to give a bitterly amused sneer, yet all she could muster was a painfully forced grimace.

This country, it was a disgraceful sight to behold, just like that young man, just like Lacus.

Worthless, pathetic, on the brink of extinction, yet that was why.

She couldn't help but feel sympathy. Perhaps she saw some of herself in this poor soul. Perhaps her subconscious had noble reasons in mind, or perhaps she was just curious. In any case, her legs were carrying her over in that direction. She had to at least ask what was wrong.

Even though it was a courtesy shown by none of the modern masses, Lacus felt as though it were her duty as a fellow sufferer, as another unit of Filth infesting the Islands of Orb.

She slowly made her way over and her heart seemed to lighten somewhat when she saw the blond man standing over the greenet. No matter how hopeless he looked, it was good to see that at least _someone _was still around to care for him. He wasn't completely alone – not yet.

"Um, is there anything I can do to help?" the pinkette asked.

"Goddamn it," the blond muttered, turning around to face her. "What do you want," he asked crudely.

"Um, I just saw this person on the ground so I wanted to try and help out, that is, if there's anything I can do. I just want to help."

"Yeah, and why is that?"

"Uhm, well… I just…"

"You want to know if there's anything you can do?"

"Yes."

"There's not." Lacus could literally feel the blood draining from her face at the harsh rejection. Whoever this person was, he certainly didn't have any reservations about sparing her feelings. "There's nothing you can do, so just fuck off, _Pinky_."

"But I…"

"Why are you so damned interested, anyway?"

"This person, he… just lying there, completely helpless, he kind of reminds me of someone I thought I knew."

"I don't need some good Samaritan snooping around."

"I'm not… I guess I just don't get out much. This is the first time I've been outside in a while." She looked away, feeling dejected, her spirit crushed. What was she even thinking? How was she to help anyone? She couldn't even help herself. Why did she approach these two in the first place? Somehow, the reasoning seemed lost on her. "I'm sorry for intruding," she apologized. "I guess the fresh air just went to my head." The blond sneered at her.

"So the bum needs to occupy herself. You want to play nurse? Fine, take him. The useless bum's all yours."

"Excuse me," Lacus asked, bewildered. Just what was going on?

"He's your problem now." With that being said, the blond began to walk away.

"Hey, wait," Lacus called out, causing the Blond to sigh."

"What is it now!"

"What am I supposed to…?"

"You have two options. You can play the hero try nursing this hopeless loser back to health, or you can leave him in a dumpster to rot."

"How can you say that about him, why would you even suggest that?"

"You don't know him, Pinky. Trust me, take my advice. Do yourself a big favor and just leave this filth to die in an alley somewhere. It's what he deserves."

"You're right. I _don't _know him. That's why I think I should hear his side of things before making a judgment like that."

"Fine." The blond looked Lacus up and down, and then turned his attention to Shani. "I shouldn't do this, but I'll carry him to your home. After that, you're on your own, got it?"

"Uh, sure," Lacus agreed, feeling convinced that her life was beginning to take a new leap in an interesting direction. First a haircut, and now this.

* * *

"So, is he your brother or something," Lacus asked her blond houseguest. After letting him into her home, the young man had hesitated none about taking a seat on her sofa. While she'd had little practice in the matter as of late, Lacus still remembered a thing or two and decided it would be inhospitable of her to not make him something to eat or drink. She wanted to be a good hostess and fix him a hot drink, but her supply of tea had run out completely, her coffee was running low and her milk had since soured. She had to settle for a weak, black coffee without sweetening. She prepared it in two mugs and walked over to her guest, one mug in each hand, and handed one to the blond.

"No. He's not my brother, and he's not my friend."

"So then, who is he to you?"

"We were in the same orphanage together. We were there for nearly eighteen years."

"No one would adopt you?"

"No, it's not that," the young man replied dryly, "it's just that I loved it there so much, I wanted to stay. Anyway, we were almost old enough to be kicked out into the street when this Bastard comes and takes us home."

"You speak with such hatred. "

"I'll bet you think that being rejected is the worst thing in the world, right? You're wrong. There are worse things. One such thing is the place I now call home."

"Why, this guy you talk about, what did he do?"

"He's an asshole. Among other things, he got us hooked on some of the worst shit to ever be concocted."

"So… him too, what is it?"

"You don't wanna know, but for its effects, just look at this loser," the blonde said, pointing out the incapacitated greenet.

"Is it really that bad?" The blond snorted contemptuously.

"This bastard will tell you himself when he wakes up. Here," he said, producing a vial of yellow liquid. "I shouldn't do this, but take it."

"What is it," Lacus asked, looking at the vial but making no move to take it.

"Gamma Glipheptin."

"Uh, what's that?"

"It's an extremely powerful performance enhancing drug. I strongly suggest you don't try it. You'll be addicted after a single dose."

"It's that bad?"

"No shit. The withdrawal is the worst, and the more you grow to rely on this shit, the shorter the duration; the more you take, the less it lasts. The more you take, the more you need."

"Then, this person who adopted you, why would he do that, how could he do that to anyone?"

"Isn't it obvious? He was one of the people developing it for some secret project or other. That bastard just wanted a couple of guinea pigs to test it on. That's all we are to him. Fucking test subjects!" He placed the vial on the table, along with a syringe. The needle was already in place and had clearly been used at least once before. To ask whether it was sterile would be but a wasted question. "This is for when he wakes up, but there's only enough for a single dose."

"All of that," Lacus asked incredulously.

"Yeah, inject it straight into his bloodstream. It's the fastest and most effective way. Believe me. He'll beg you for this. When he finds out you have even this amount, he'll do _anything _to get his grimy hands on it."

"Would it not be a better idea to wean him off it?"

"That would be impossible. This isn't the kind of drug you can just stop taking."

"What do you mean?"

"You'll find out… I'll give you this, as well." He produced another vial, this on filled with a clear liquid.

"What's in this one?"

"It's a harsh industrial-strength sedative. I don't know if he'll be able to sleep through all of it, but promise you'll give him the chance to be out for the worst of it."

"I thought you didn't like him."

"I don't, but what he's gonna have to go through now… I wouldn't wish it on the lowest filth in the deepest trench."

"It's really that bad, isn't it," Lacus concluded.

"Wow, and I thought you were a ditzy airhead. Look, I've got to go before that asshole comes looking for me," the blond said, standing and heading towards the door. "I'll leave you to deal with this guy's charming personality when he wakes." He gave a sneer as he opened the door, looking back at her one last time. "This is goodbye, Pinky. Oh, and don't ever let me see either of you two again, got it? I don't need any more trouble. As far as we're concerned on my end, this guy is no longer among the living."

Lacus was slightly stunned by his sudden departure. _I guess I shouldn't be surprised. He wasn't really here to talk to me anyway._ She looked to the vials, and then to the discarded mugs. "I didn't even ask him his name."

* * *

Lacus crossed the accursed city with her purchase in hand, feeling weightless. She had fully expected all eyes to be on her as she traversed the salty streets. She had thought her journey would be an arduous one, her path filled with holes – courtesy of the many eyes casting acidic rays as they absorbed all light, trapping it; the road collapsing around her, the sky cracking above her, the earth's crust splitting beneath her.

It was all too easy. What had she been so afraid of? Why had her irrational fear kept her penned up for so long? There once was a time when she loved the outdoors. The wind, the rain, the clouds, the trees and the grass, she loved them all, the blue sky, the snowy mountains, the shapely pillows above, even the sun, that bright orange sphere often personified as a smiley face with dark sunglasses.

Exactly _when_ had she become so self conscious? Was it because of him? Had he truly rejected her so? Had one single reaction really shattered her entire life? Had she really allowed him to ruin her so effortlessly, to break her, make her feel so… unwanted?

"Need I ask," the short haired Lacus murmured out loud, yet not loud enough so that anyone might overhear her. "My fruitless existence thus far serves as a shockingly clear answer…"

She gave a sigh, and reached out to open her door, clutching to her pharmaceutical narcotic as she crossed the threshold, her one reliable comfort, her ticket to the world of sleep.

Looking at the formal, white cuboid package, Lacus couldn't help but think. Was it truly healthy to rely on a drug for something that was once natural?

She normally wouldn't have questioned something she had come to rely on so dependently, but the inquisition at the pharmacy had gotten her to thinking. It had been such a hassle just to get her hands on the drugs she needed to rest. So many questions. Suspicious eyes, accusing eyes. Acidic looks and dulcet tones.

They were nice to her throughout the entire ordeal. But perhaps they knew too much. They seemed kind, but their eyes spoke the truth their voices tried so hard to hide, the resentment they tried in vain to keep hidden. It was as though they were patronising her, but perhaps she deserved it. After all, dependence was a weakness no matter how one looked at it.

The greenet resting on her sofa would have to fight an addiction now. There was no hope of weaning him off or helping with his deadly cravings, and with only one dose left, he'd have to go 'cold turkey,_' _as it were.

_Perhaps I should join him, if nothing more than as an act of good faith, so to speak. It may even serve to help his cause, like a running buddy. Maybe we could encourage one another._ She looked over to the sleeping adolescent and approached him with a sympathetic expression pervading her recently unused features. "How could he have done that to you," she asked solemnly. "Whoever this guy is, he must be the lowest form of trash there is."

Lacus froze as the young man began to stir.

_Is he waking up?_

His tired form could be seen to struggle and tremor as his muscles all began to tense.

Lines could be witnessed to form along his face as it contorted and tensed along with the rest of his body, when suddenly –

His eyes snapped open and his breathing heightened from calm, sleeping speed, to those gasping breaths of a sprinter.

He instantly began taking in his surroundings. His eye – the only one visible, the only one not concealed by tresses of lime green hair – began twitching and snapping from one direction to the next, as if confused and lost, as someone who has just realised they are not located in the same place where they fell into sleep.

"It's about time you woke up, sleepy head," Lacus stated to the greenet, making an attempt at humour. They had once come so freely, jokes, although that last one had seemed so forced. Her delivery was probably messed up too, although she was far from a stand up comedian.

"Is that why you brought me here," the young man uttered, "did you kidnap me to tell me corny jokes?"

"No... But I guess you win. You're funnier than I am, but it's a wasted talent on someone not in the mood to laugh."

"Then it must be a good thing that I'm not trying to be funny, and I'm not joking."

"I see."

"You fail at first impressions, _Pinky_. Just tell me why I'm here."

"You were brought here by someone, I don't know his name."

"That's helpful," the young man stated dryly, "anything else?"

"He had blond hair, looked about your age... he said he was at an orphanage with you."

"Oh... why am I here?"

"It looks like you've been disowned, or perhaps liberated, depending on how one looks at it."

"Okay, I get it." He stood and walked over to Lacus, their proximity closer than it should have been. She couldn't help but feel the tingle of her nerves playing in her stomach. "Do you mind standing aside," the greenet asked her.

"What?"

"Move, I'm leaving."

"Where are you going to go?"

"That doesn't concern you."

"You can't go back," Lacus said hurriedly.

"It's not like I have a choice."

"No, really. You _can't _go back. That guy, he said he never wants to see you again." Shani glared at the girl.

"What's your angle?"

"I'm telling the truth. He said if you ever show up, it'll cause trouble for him, something about you being dead." Shani gave an exasperated sigh.

"Great," he uttered angrily, speaking aloud to himself, "Now what?"

"Well, you're welcome to stay here," Lacus suggested.

The young man merely looked at her for a moment, not speaking, raising a sceptical eyebrow.

"Why," he asked.

"Well, you don't have to if you don't want to, but if your options are either here, or a park bench or a gutter somewhere, wouldn't shelter be a more preferable option?"

"Why would you offer? You don't even know me, I'm a complete stranger."

"I know, you could be dangerous, right?" Shani snorted and backed away from the pink haired girl. "Just remember, my offer still stands, and it always will. I know it's none of my business..." she waited for the young man to cut her off, but he never did. "But it sounds to me like you're homeless. Why don't you just stay here, at least for now?"

The boy conceded and returned to the couch, where he sat, allowing himself to relax into the furniture's fabric covering, the pink-haired girl standing before him, a low table standing between the two bodies.

"Um, I'm Lacus," the pink haired girl said, walking around the table to introduce herself, "Lacus Clyne."

"Shani Andras," the greenet replied.

"Well now, that wasn't so bad," Lacus stated, but Shani wasn't listening to her. His focus was on the table.

"Is that..."

"Yeah," Lacus answered his unfinished question. "That guy dropped it off, but there's only enough for one dose, so I suggest you ration it."

"You just said there was only one dose," Shani criticised. "How is a single dose supposed to be rationed?"

"I mean, you should save it for when you need it, because once it's gone, you won't be able to get any more."

"What's in that other vial?"

"It's some kind of powerful sedative. I guess you could use it to sleep through some of the withdrawal. It was kind of him to leave it..." _and kind of me not to steal it._

"That's not kindness... it's mercy."

"What do you mean?"

"If you knew anything about the withdrawal, you'd know. It's the worst thing I've ever experienced... blinding pain... never ending."

"That bad huh?" Shani rolled his eyes.

"You have no idea."

"Well, I also have an addiction. I know it's not as bad as yours, but I should get off it, get natural, you know? Chemicals poisoning the body aren't healthy no matter what they are."

"I don't care about that. I'm only facing this because I have no other choice. I think it goes without saying... I'm really not looking forward to this."

"Maybe we could help each other out," Lacus offered, sitting down to join the greenet on the sofa.

"So what's your poison?" Shani asked, managing to keep the curiosity from his voice.

In response, Lacus passed him the square package she had received from the pharmacy. He opened it and looked at her with a sceptical eye.

"Sleeping pills," he scorned contemptuously.

"Yes, without them I can't sleep at all."

"You're addicted to sleeping pills?"

"Yes, I just said that."

"That's not an addiction. You have no idea what you're talking about, _Pinky."_

"What do you mean?"

"You may as well be addicted to cigarettes or alcohol if you're calling this a problem."

"Actually, both of those are highly addictive, as well as dangerous. Cigarettes kill. In fact, if either of them were introduced today, chances are they would never become legalised. The only reason they seem to be a part of life is because they've been around for so long."

"Touché..." Shani replied, "I guess you're right. Alcohol has been around a lot longer than other drugs."

"It's been around long since before Coordinators, so do we have a deal? I'll help you out and you can help me." Again, Shani snorted. "Or, not..." Lacus replied, feeling somewhat hurt.

"I'm not going to be able to help once the pain starts."

"Then you can make up for it once it stops." Shani shook his head.

"It won't stop, don't you get it? Glipheptin isn't the kind of drug one can stop taking. If you don't kick me out while you can, you'll be stuck with me until this thing kills me."

"It doesn't matter. I'll help you however I can, even if I can only give you the slightest bit of comfort."

"Why?" Lacus shrugged.

"I just... really want to help you out. I need to get my mind off... things." Shani slowly nodded and looked away.

"So..."

"Yes?"

"... ...never mind."

"What is it," Lacus curiously asked.

"I... how, no... Why did you start taking those pills in the first place?"

"It's a... long story."

"Oh," Shani added, concluding that the girl beside him did not want to talk about it.

"Let's just say that something bad happened and I fell into... well, a depression. I'm sure that sounds pretty pathetic to you."

"Not really." Lacus turned to face the greenet, who promptly looked away.

"Well, before they gave up on me, some of my friends got me a prescription so that I could sleep at night."

"And you grew too dependent on it."

"Yeah, I can't sleep a single wink without them. I'll just lay awake for hours on end, just trying to sleep."

"Insomnia," Shani muttered.

"How did you guess that, anyway?"

"It's a pretty standard story." Lacus gave a self-depreciating sigh.

"I guess it is," she lamented.

Just then, she saw an arm reach out from the corner of her eye. She blushed slightly when she realised what Shani was reaching for. He picked up the bag and reached inside. To an outsider, it would seem as though he were reaching a bag of candy floss, or some such fluffy pink treat.

"This is... a shitload of hair," Shani stated.

"Yeah, it's mine."

"I guessed that from the colour," the greenet replied, placing back the bag. "So why are you collecting hair?"

"I don't know, it seems a waste to throw it out. I thought maybe I could sell it to a wigmaker or something. That probably sounds stupid to you, right?"

"It doesn't matter what I think," Shani stated bluntly. "So why did you cut your hair? There seems to be a lot here."

"I don't know, I can't really remember, but when I woke up, it was a big shock. It may just be the second biggest mistake of my life."

"Second biggest?"

"Yes, the first was... telling someone about my feelings." Shani raised an eyebrow but said nothing. "My feelings about him," Lacus clarified.

"Oh."

"I should have left things alone. I shouldn't have risked his friendship. Now look at me, I'm a wreck."

"It's probably better that it turned out this way." This time, it was Lacus' turn to look perplexed.

"How so?"

"At least now you know it was doomed from the start. You won't be living in a dream world, torturing yourself with what-if's."

"I guess, but what about my hair? I know I don't have to ask 'what if' anymore, but I'm sure I'll miss it before long. What do you think?"

"I've never seen you with your hair long, but it's probably better that you cut it. It'll be like making a fresh start."

"Maybe you're right."

"There's always a first time," Shani smirked.

"First time?"

"It's nothing, don't worry about it."

"Okay," Lacus conceded, not wanting to press the matter further than necessary, lest she risk angering the greenet beside her.

"So, will you stay," Lacus wondered.

"What...?"

"We never reached a decision on that."

"I thought we did."

"No..." Lacus said, thinking back. "I said you're welcome to stay for as long as you want, but you never technically accepted."

"I sat down, didn't I?"

"So is that a yes?" Shani sighed. Was this the kind of thing he'd have to put up with?

"Yes."

* * *

It wasn't long until Shani had slipped back into sleep. Lacus had to wonder how exhausted he must have been to fall asleep so easily. Perhaps it was a sign of her own fleeting sanity, but at that moment, for Shani to give himself into slumber so easily and carelessly, the girl couldn't help but envy him. Despite everything that she'd been through, despite everything that he must have endured, just a small part of her was willing to switch places.

To sleep was to escape. Dreams were a distraction but without them, one was as the dead. While she was asleep, she didn't have to think. She no longer had to feel. She no longer had to worry. Her mind was happily inept, idle, unthinking, unfeeling, kind – unlike the harshness of reality.

Lacus hated to remember, yet at the same time she longed to relive those days.

Why couldn't she be happy again?

She had taken it all for granted. She had been a fool.

Lacus couldn't help but gaze upon the youth's thick lime hair as he slept. He seemed so peaceful, perfectly peaceful, enough that he could equal the dead.

If it were true, if Shani really were facing something this terrible, this atrocious, what right did Lacus have to depend on self-induced sedation for something as simple, natural and necessary as sleep?

Everyone was making such a huge deal out of Shani's affliction. In comparison, it all made Lacus seem like such a child. So worthless, so helpless, so vulnerable. Was she truly a hopeless victim of circumstance, incapable of recovery? Incapable of life?

The young woman at that moment, felt no older than a mere toddler waddling about the room unsupervised, neglected.

She picked up her purchase and held it up before her eyes.

_Such a bother, for so small a thing. What's the big deal anyway, so what If I need a little help to sleep. What's wrong with that?_ She turned an eye to the greenet's sleeping form. "He is an addict. His drug may be class A, and yet he can still sleep." Her eye drifted to the sedative that blond had given her. _Why should I give it to him? He is sleeping contently and securely like a baby in his mother's arms. I'm the one who cannot sleep. I'm the one suffering from sleep deprivation. I need it more than he does!"_

Lacus reached out with her left hand for the vial, when suddenly, Shani caught her attention once more. He stirred in his sleep and Lacus' fingers seemed to recoil, as though in fear.

She was so close, she had almost touched the clear class of the vial, had her fingers not curled back at the last possible second. She looked up and met Shani's cool gaze.

"What were you doing," he asked her, almost indifferently.

"No... Nothing," Lacus replied, showing him the packet of pills she had bought from the pharmacy. "I've made a decision," she explained. She turned her back on her houseguest and walked to the other side of the room, placing the pills in a cupboard and locking it shut with a thin silver key. "You helped me decide. Thank you."

"What did you decide?"

"I'm giving up those pills I've become so reliant on."

"I see... So, you're going cold turkey?"

"Yeah. I want to thank you."

"Save your thanks until afterwards. I'm sure you'll want them back before the day is through."

"Want them back... the pills or my thanks?"

"Both. One cannot simply give something up. It's not as easy as you seem to think, _Pinky_."

"I may not be the strongest person around, but I believe I can do it."

"Do you _really _believe that?"

"I... I have no choice. You've already helped me to decide."

"Have I?"

_Actually, it was my fear of getting caught that made me decide. With no one else was here, it didn't matter what I did. I... turned into a sloth. I became so weak and flimsy. With someone here, I need to act the part of hostess. I need my body to be clean._

Lacus looked over to Shani, a solemn expression fixed upon her pale features.

"Even if I am forced to stay awake for an indefinite period. That is not important."

"An indefinite period," Shani condescendingly asked, "you sound like a dying patient determined to kick their addiction to morphine in their final days." Lacus forced a smile.

"Don't let it concern you, Andras-san. I can't help you if I'm comatose."

"I can't talk you out of this, can I?"

"I agreed to help you. What kind of person would I be if I went back on that?"

"I never asked for your help," Shani drawled, "nor did I agree to accept it."

"You agreed to stay here though, did you not?"

"I did," Shani sighed.

"Then it's the same thing." Lacus smiled sweetly at the young man. "Just try to relax. If there's anything you need, just ask."

"Don't concern yourself. I'm not an invalid and you're not wearing a nurse outfit."

"No, but I do have one." Shani stared at the girl as though she had just revealed a forked tongue, like that of a serpent or snake.

"I'm not even going to ask," Shani quietly stated.

"What, I cosplayed as a nurse once. What's wrong with that?"

"I don't want to see, or even think about the sight of you dressed as a nurse."

"Oh? I thought you were just complaining that I don't look the part," the pinkette asked, revelling in the liberty of a small laugh.

"That's not what I meant."

"I know, it's okay... but seriously, if there's anything you want, just ask, okay?" Shani was about to decline once more, when he was interrupted by a low groaning sound. "Was that your stomach," Lacus asked.

"No, I think your house is subsiding," Shani dryly responded.

"Nice try," Lacus laughed. "I don't have much... but I can make you a sandwich or something, if you want."

"Alright... do whatever you want. I won't stop you."

"I guess that's a yes," Lacus stated, heading off in the direction of the kitchen.

Shani gave a sigh and lay back against the couch, resting his eyes. He couldn't help but wonder what it was that had happened to this girl. She didn't seem like the type that would shut themselves up inside all day. She seemed...

Shani violently shifted his position and shook the girl from his mind. She had no place there, like he had no place here. Whatever she said to him, she had no idea who he was or what he was about to go through. If she had, she wouldn't be inviting him to stay.

He allowed his eyes to close and emptied his mind.

It wasn't long before Shani was once again mocking the pink haired girl by doing that which she could not, in a hallowed land which she dared not trespass; the land of clouds, a world of dreams, in a state of slumber.

* * *

**That may not be the most ideal place to leave off, but it had to end somewhere, even if I don't want to. If I didn't cut off there, I might have wound up with a one-shot well over the twenty thousand word length – not an idea that I'm entirely opposed to, but since I was contemplating a follow-up/sequel anyway, why not split it into chapters? I **_**will**_** be coming back to this, trust me on that. I have much more to tell. Inspiration of a short haired Lacus came from messing around with a desktop wallpaper I downloaded, oh and the nurse cosplay outfit may seem a little random I'll admit. Inspiration for that arised via a PM from Tori101.**

**I'll be honest. I'm not expecting much of a response from this story, but that's fine. It's not exactly the most popular pairing out there. In fact, I'll be pleasantly surprised if I get a single review...**

**Come on, prove me wrong... don't make me beg = {**


	2. Sleepless Night

**The Unwanted**

**Author's Notes: It's been a while since I last updated this. Perhaps I should apologise for that. Maybe I will. Maybe not. Let me know what you think of this chapter. Am I moving through this story too fast? You'll probably see what I mean as you read through the chapter. It is a little shorter than the first one. Like the title says, it depicts the night following the first chapter. Let me know what you think.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Seed**

**Sleepless Night**

_"All that we are is a means to an end,  
It doesn't matter what you do." – 'Hollow,' Theatre of tragedy_

For the umpteenth time, she rolled over. Tossing and turning. It was no way to get any rest. It was no way to sleep, but she couldn't help it. She couldn't get comfortable. No matter how hard she tried, Lacus couldn't make herself rest. Without those pills that were so inconveniently tucked away in the living room with her unexpected houseguest, Lacus was helpless.

The girl lay curled in her bed, the wrinkled, white bed sheet twisted about her; a result of her twisting and turning throughout the night.

It was too hot to sleep. Even if it weren't, how was her mind to shut down when there was so much to think about?

The young man currently sleeping in her living room. Shani. He was so mysterious. Lacus knew almost nothing about him. Where did he come from? Where was his family? His real one, not the monster that used him as a test subject and got his body addicted to such terrible, artificial chemicals.

Why would anyone do such a thing? It was unspeakable, unfathomable. No different from using weapons of mass destruction on another's home to reduce hostility. It would be like attempting to destroy the Earth. Why would someone even conceive such an idea?

Why did people live only to make things harder for one another? Was it simply human nature to fight and wrong others to make one feel better? No. That couldn't be it. It wasn't. That was impossible. Something so terrible could not possibly be true.

Humanity certainly had many bad influences, but those people didn't have to be followed, did they? There were others. There were good people out there. Kira and Athrun were two such examples. They never tried to purposely harm others. Never. Not since she'd known them. Not since they'd first met.

_Kira…_

This was no good. Thinking about this was only causing her to think about him, to think about her, Lacus. The old Lacus. Her old life. That was over now. It was done. She was done, dead, deceased. That person had grown tired of not living and had willingly killed herself, had willingly given her life to another. Had given way to another. Birthed another. Another life, another girl, another Lacus.

She was dead, and this new Lacus had been born from within the carcass.

This new lacus with short hair.

A new look, a new persona, a new life. She'd taken the first step already.

That young man lying in her living room. Once again her idle thoughts had returned to him. Was he going through any of this? Was his mind also filled with worry? What was to become of him?

Abandoned, or perhaps orphaned at an age he couldn't remember, ignored and rejected by each and every potential adopter, then living in an orphanage through his childhood and most of his teen years, almost reaching the age of liberation, only to be taken in by a monster who could call himself human and parent only as humourless parodies.

Life had been so unkind to him, yet now, perhaps that was to change.

The world had conspired to free him, to deliver him to Lacus' doorstep, into her home. Perhaps this was for the sake of redemption. For both of them.

If Lacus could help Shani recover from his sickness, his addiction, perhaps she in return, could become better. After all was done, Perhaps she could even become a better person because of it.

Restlessness always caught up with her, made her weary. Her young, nineteen year old mind was not nearly aged enough for her to feel so fatigued. She needed sleep, needed rest, needed _a_ rest. She needed a change, needed a break, needed a break from this.

Something needed to change, or maybe she just needed to hand herself over to rest. But how? If she could have done anything, she would have. What could she do? What more could she do? Oh, how she wanted to give in. She'd give anything to give in. It wasn't a proud declaration, but it was a true one. To be able to give in to her exhaustion. Just to give in, to give up, to surrender. That was what she wanted.

Eyes closed tightly in hopelessness.

So tight…

So tight…

So tight… that it hurt.

The only way was in her living room. Those pills, she needed them. They were in her living room, on her low-table, along with that strong sedative. Along with her house guest, that suffering young man.

Shani…

It was him. All because of him.

If not for him, Lacus might not have even contemplated giving them up, giving up her only comfort, her only key to the locked world of dreams.

It was all because of him. His fault. His fault.

"All his fault," she uttered, her tongue barely forming the words.

They were hers after all, she had paid for them. She'd be a fool not to use them. A fool. And a wasteful fool at that.

Suddenly, her eyes snapped open and a grimace graced her lips.

"Just one more," she promised herself. She'd quit next time. She'd stop taking them later, when she was more prepared.

But for now, she needed them, more than she needed air to breathe. They were her only hope. Her only desire.

She would get them. She would take them back, and they would give her the one thing she longed for with all her mind, heart, and soul.

The one thing her body craved.

The one thing she needed above all else.

Sleep.

Her bare, slender legs slid from their place on the mattress and detangled themselves from the bed sheet as the tall, lithe frame of the young pink haired woman rose to its feet. Taking a moment to steady herself in the dark, Lacus took a breath and made her way out of the bedroom.

She didn't have to worry about any inability to see. Although it was dark, the girl's eyes had had plenty of time to adapt. She could see where she was going. And even if she couldn't, she knew exactly where she needed to go. She could've felt her way around the apartment. She could – quite literally – have made the journey with her eyes closed.

She may have completed the journey with anger pushing her on, but when Lacus reached the living room, her heart melted and that anger degraded to nothing.

She'd almost forgotten the very reason he was there. Shani. He was right there. Sitting in an armchair, his face buried in his right hand. His right elbow resting on the chair's arm. With the black tank top he was wearing, Lacus could see the full length of the young man's arm. She saw the muscles contained within tensed so tightly that they bulged beneath his pale, alabaster skin.

Her eyes widened. So muscular, so physically strong. Lacus had never before seen anyone with such a large forearm or bicep. Lacus wondered whether the rest of his body was this muscular.

The way his hand obscured his face, his fingers dug into his temples. His breathing told her of his pain.

As a barely audible groan escaped his hidden lips, Lacus' heart sank deeper into the dark depths of shame.

How could she have possibly thought of herself at a time like this? How could her mind have been preoccupied with the unattainable ideology of sleep while Shani suffered unimaginable ailments of a much more pressing nature?

She wordlessly voiced her concern to alert the pained, muscular greenet of her presence.

"Hi…" The only audible response was of an unsuccessfully contained moan. Lacus couldn't see the young man having an exceptionally low tolerance of pain, so if the agonized sounds were able to escape when he was trying so hard to hide them, how much discomfort was he truly in?

It wasn't just sound, either. Shani's body language told her that he suffered. It was obvious, regardless of how hard he may try to conceal it. No matter how good an actor he might have been, the truth was simply too great to hide.

Not great in a positive sense, heavens no. The truth was awful, despicable, grotesque. So horrible that Lacus' own problems paled to naught in comparison.

With slow, pained, seemingly deliberate movements, Shani's arm moved over to the low table. His fingers enclosed around a rectangular box. Even in this low light, Lacus could easily make it out to be the box of her sedatives. She knew what it was, and she wanted it, even if she didn't want to want them. Those pills, she needed them, and it clearly showed on her face. Her eyes hungered it. The object contained within the greenet's hand.

"You came down here for these, didn't you?" he managed to say. It was amazing that he was even able to speak with all the pain coursing through him.

Lacus felt guilty. It was true. It was an understatement, and it showed in her voice. "I did."

"Off you go then. One of us should get some sleep tonight." Shani's words did not console the pinkette, nor ease her conscience. Rather, they had the opposite effect. It was like reverse psychology. He had told her to go. She now wanted to stay.

Crossing the room, Lacus took a seat on the soft end cushion of her sofa, sitting next to Shani, who was seated in an armchair to the pinkette's left. Only a couple of furniture arms separated them.

Shani looked to her, questioning with his eyes. Asking for an explanation.

"Do you mind me being here?" Lacus asked him.

"It's your house. Do as you wish," Shani replied dismissively.

Lacus shook her head. "For as long as you're here, it's your house too."

"Forgive me if it doesn't feel that way to me. Force of habit and all." Lacus' eyes turned downcast. How could she make her guest feel more at home? She had to make him comfortable and do all that she could to distract him from the pain that would surely continue to come from his predicament, but she also had to make him feel like less of an intruder in her home. Less of an intruder and more of a visitor. Less of a visitor and more of a resident.

Lacus wanted Shani to see her home as his home, even if he were only to stay for a short while. Right now he probably thought of himself as an unnecessary burden. While it was true that he was an unexpected, uninvited houseguest; Shani was in no way unwanted.

Lacus noticed that Shani had been watching her. His one visible eye had been on her for a while now. The pinkette wondered why. Was there a reason? Did she interest him in some way? Did he wish to ask her something? Or was he simply thinking?

"Yes?" she asked him, "is something wrong?"

"Why are you here?"

"I… live here," Lacus answered, taken aback by the question.

"I mean here with me." Lacus opened her mouth to speak, but found herself with nothing to say. She was speechless. How was she to react to something like that? Surely, it was a misworded phrase, yet it seemed like a line from a clichéd romance novel.

"What do you mean?"

"For reasons beyond my control, I'm currently staying in your house. Sure, I can accept that, but I don't understand why you feel the necessity to remain in my presence."

"You want me to leave you alone?"

"Don't misunderstand. I didn't mean it that way. It's just that you have your own life to live. You don't have to put it on hold just for my benefit. If nothing else, I know how to be independent.

Lacus had her own life to live. That wasn't exactly true. Lacus knew it, yet she didn't quite feel comfortable admitting such out loud.

"You didn't come out here to sit by my side. You came for sleeping pills. Now you have them, aren't you even going to take them?"

"Um… if it's okay with you, do you think it would be alright if I stayed out here for a while?"

"You need a distraction? It's fine with me. Do what you want."

"I don't want to disturb you…"

"You won't. You sat down because you wanted something to distract you, right? I'm in the same position. The withdrawal hasn't fully kicked in yet, but I can already feel it drawing closer."

"But you looked to be in so much pain. Are you saying that the worst is still yet to come?" Shani looked the girl in the eye. His face was graced with a bitter sneer.

"Listen Pinky," Lacus flinched. The way he used that nickname, so similar to the blond who'd visited her earlier, his words were filled with so much contempt, all of it directed at her. "This… what I'm going through. This is nothing."

Lacus' eyes widened in shock. In disbelief. In pity. She felt so sorry for the green haired young man.

"If you're only hanging around because you feel sorry for me," Shani intelligently assumed, "then don't bother. I don't want anyone's pity, and I don't need the sympathetic gaze of some pink haired princess."

"Sorry," Lacus apologized. Shani had made an evaluated guess. A correct one. A wise, informed one. Was the pinkette truly so transparent? Perhaps so, but she didn't like the way he called her princess. "You're kind of harsh though," she observed with just the slightest hint of indignation.

"Maybe, but it's the truth. Don't expect me to sugar-coat it or dumb it down for you."

He refused to dumb things down. That was what he said. Lacus had always hated when people did that. Because of the way she looked, people had often treated her delicately, like some kind of frail princess or other uninformed heiress. When they spoke, their eyes widened, softened. Their voices changed as though she were royalty. As if her princess-like appearance rang true to her personality and situation. That was simply not the case.

Similarly to its definition, Lacus held an equal dissatisfaction of the term itself. Dumbed down. Basically, to use small words so that the intended target audience would not become lost and confused by the contents and meaning of the text they were to absorb. The very term had its own rule applied. Small words were used as a label to signify that small words would be used. It was strange. And though it was interesting, it was a term that insulted the intelligence of all who heard it.

First of all, it implied that the word dumb was a synonym of thoughtless or ignorant, to which it wasn't. It simply fuelled the ignorance and mediocrity that plagued today's world. If people were such elitists, why not help to improve the community as a whole? Instead of insult, why not educate?

Of course, people were not always willing to listen, and some _never_ were, nor would they be… Things like this fed the pinkette's darkest suspicions. This world was forever destined to stay in the same rut, to remain the same cesspool it had become, to continue drowning in its own filth. The ignorant were unwilling to learn and the wise were unwilling to teach. Honestly. It was depressing.

"Um, thanks."

"For what?" Shani asked.

"For what you said about not dumbing things down."

"Oh… I didn't mean anything by it. You don't need to thank me."

"But I want to."

"There's really no need. It was just a comment. I was stating my stance. I refuse to use small words to cater for the tidal waves of mediocrity and ineptitude that have continuously made this planet their bitch. It was nothing personal."

"Still, it meant something to me, so… thank you. For however little it may be worth to you." After a slight pause, reflective, if Lacus' guess turned out to be correct, Shani offered the girl a curt nod of his head.

"How long were you out?" He asked.

"What do you mean?" Lacus asked, furrowing her brows.

"That dumbing down comment; I said that some time ago. Did you space out?"

"I… have a lot on my mind. I'm sorry."

"That was an observation, not a complaint. And if you apologise one more time, I'm leaving."

"I…" Shani smirked.

The pinkette had almost done it again, he was certain. She must have stopped herself just in time.

Lacus could only stare at the greenet. Was he laughing at her? Still, that wasn't the worst reaction she could have received. At least Shani had some sense of humour. Considering everything that he must have gone through, it was a wonder. He might have had nothing left to joke at. He might have grown bitter and cold, snapping and lashing back at all who tried to help him like a tormented dog who had been abused by one human handler too many.

There she was again, making judgmental assumptions about the green haired young man. She had to stop doing that. For all Lacus knew, the background and history of her houseguest might be nothing at all like the one she had come up with herself. It was all speculation and assumption. She couldn't act on it any more than she could believe the deranged hermit who told her that human individuals could fly by flapping their arms like a bird's wings.

No matter how hard one thought about such things, neither would ever be true. The only way to learn the truth of Shani's past would be to ask him and hear it from his lips personally. Only by this procedure could Lacus be certain of the truth, assuming the greenet would not lie to her. No other method would do. No other method could ensure that Lacus would learn the truth; Least of all her own mind's blatant assumption, her internal gossip with no one.

Her pale blue eyes took in Shani's appearance. Their eyes locked together. For a time, they remained wordless, unspeaking. It was an intense silence. Lacus knew not how much time had passed, since it seemed to be racing around her. She was trapped in her own dark spot where the lights refused to shine. The world carried on without her, leaving her behind.

She was untouched by time, by the laws of physics. She lay forgotten, abandoned by the universe.

And yet, she was not alone.

She had the greenet, Shani with her.

For a time, they had been silent, but it couldn't last, as nothing can. As all things do, it came to an abrupt end, taking with it the distracting comfort that had been provided for the lonely girl.

"Something wrong?" the question startled her. Lacus had been lost in her own world. Had her eyes glazed over as they often did when she became so lost in thought that the world and it's problems seemed to fade away until their distance made them miniscule ants crawling about on the horizon? "You were staring at me," Shani clarified.

"I'm sorry."

"There's that word again," he muttered, but his tone was lacking in humour, as though it had been stripped of him gradually, over the years.

Lacus looked away, averting her attention from her companion, desperately searching for something else on which to focus her unwanted gaze.

"I wasn't complaining," Shani spoke, breaking the dank silence after what seemed like an eternity of unendurable darkness. "You were simply staring at me. I have no problem with it, but… I assumed there must have been something you wanted to say… or ask." Lacus' eyes widened.

He knew. Lacus had become a glass doll. Of course he could tell what she was thinking, what she wanted, what she was wondering. It must have been so obvious. Lacus cursed herself for her obtrusive transparency. Why couldn't she have better hidden her desire and curiosity?

Lacus was so shamefully obvious. "Why else would you stare?" Shani asked.

The pinkette cowered in her seat, humiliation and despondency fuelling the loathing of herself and that moment. Her eyelids closed. She never should have come out here. It was a mistake from the start. Now she had… what had she done?

Perhaps she had caused irreversible damage between the two young adults. Perhaps Shani would no longer wish to speak to her. Had she offended him? Annoyed him? Angered… him?

"Well?" He wanted an answer. An answer that Lacus simply couldn't give. It was a reasonable request. A simple request, and yet...

It would go unfulfilled. It was a request that Lacus could not grant.

She was useless.

"You're feeling sorry for yourself," Shani informed her, as though it were news. Was it? In some way or form, Lacus was already aware of such a fact, even if she wouldn't admit it. "It is something you will need to get over. Get over it and get over yourself." Lacus' breathing caught in her chest, refusing to move; her breath was a large bubble, trapped somewhere between her lungs and her nasal passage. "I know my words are harsh, but words with a gilded edge will do you no good. Feeling sorry for yourself is what led to your current predicament."

"I'm –"

"Don't," Shani cut her off. His tone was harsh and stern. "Don't apologise. You've done that enough, and I'm not the target of your lament. The one you have let down is yourself, so you are the only one who can give forgiveness."

"I… I know."

"It's hard, I know, but you have to get over this and forgive yourself. Otherwise, how do you expect to move on?"

"I… don't know." It sounded pathetic, but it was the truth. Lacus had no more prospects or hopes. Back when she was still alive, her every hope and dream had involved Kira and her friends. She had no plan without Kira. Back then, she hadn't even considered the possibility that he might reject her. That was probably why it had hit her so hard and wounded her so badly. There was no denying that Kira had hurt her. It was the one thing she knew he would never do. It was the one thing she had never expected, that she had not planned for. It wasn't intentional, she knew this, and Kira could not be blamed for it. It was not his fault, but Kira's rejection had hit Lacus like a freight train running at full steam.

"If you're not moving forward, then what's the point of even being alive?"

"I don't know." Lacus closed her eyes tightly. She could feel it. Something that hadn't happened in so long. For the first time in months, Lacus Clyne was on the verge of tears. Crying was something that Lacus was sure had become lost to her. "I've been trying to move on. To put the past behind me. I thought it was working. I even started going outside again. But now… Everything's become… I don't know anymore."

"It's okay," the greenet assured her, his voice softer than Lacus had ever heard it. "It's just a relapse, nothing more. It was bound to happen. Changing the person you are is like giving up an addiction. In some respects, it is the same thing."

Lacus closed her eyes and silently nodded. This was the last person she'd expect to turn to for comfort. Kira, Athrun, and Cagalli. Ever since she could remember, the four of them had been inseparable. They were her best friends. Her closest friends. One of them could have been more. Kira. He could have been more. They could have been so much more. If only he had willed it. If only he had wished it. But he didn't. He hadn't wanted her. Lacus' feelings would never be returned. Her affection was one-sided. It was always one-sided. In the sense that she had always yearned for, Lacus had been unwanted.

Ever since childhood, the four of them had been together. Lacus had thought they'd always be together. As friends, if nothing else.

Lacus sat up with a start. The next thing she knew, Shani was right beside her, on her other side. He sat close to her. Right next to her on the sofa. The pinkette instantly stiffened. She was as a dead cat from a juvenile cartoon. Muscles painfully tense, her spine perfectly straight, neck extended to full height, grey-blue eyes wide open. The breath in her lungs refused to move one way or the other. She neither inhaled nor exhaled. She was completely frozen.

"Don't get the wrong idea," Shani smoothly spoke, as if sensing the girl's fear. "I may have some idea of what you're going through. I know why you've shut yourself away in this tiny apartment. And I know why you live alone." The young man's voice was low. Crackly. Yet, somehow soothing. "The choice is yours. Maybe you'll decide that you don't want my help. Perhaps you'll decide that I'm no use to you…" Lacus allowed herself to relax. She turned to face the greenet, her expression softening. "You can go back to your room, or you can stay out here with me. I know what you're going through, so I know what feels comfortable, what feels safe. But listen. And take heed. Solitude will do you no good. Alone, you are weak, as are we all. You need someone to help you. Some to help you up. Someone to lean against. Without that support, not only will you remain as you are now, you may even spiral downward and sink deeper and deeper until it kills you. Until you are murdered by the darkness of your own mind. In such a state, many take their own lives. Others change drastically, and not for the better."

Lacus allowed her head to slowly nod.

"You can't do this alone. You need help. Either a rock to lean against or someone in a similar situation. That was a lesson that took me so long to learn. I wasted so much time spiralling downward until I was saved. I thought that alone, I could endure. Alone, I was strong enough to survive any torment."

"You were saved?"

"Only partially, but it was still a monumentous event. Something I can never repay. Don't try to survive this on your own. I don't know if you can trust me, but I'll help you if I can. Should you want my support, I'll be here, for as long as I'm able."

This was unbelievable. Of everyone imaginable, Shani was the last person Lacus would have expected to turn to for comfort. He was the last person she'd ever expect to offer. It had been only minutes ago when she'd been blaming him for the current night's insomnia, using him as a scapegoat on which to blame her every problem.

It was unbecoming of her, and despicably less than fair. She knew, and reflecting on it now, she utterly hated herself for it.

Someone who was so willing to kick this unfortunate young man when he was down did not deserve his sympathy.

"Don't be too hard on yourself," the greenette uttered.

Lacus looked to his face, her eyes transfixed on his mess of green hair. How did he know what she had been thinking?

"I can relate, and if you're anything like me, you might be criticizing and blaming yourself for so much lost time."

"And what if I'm blaming someone else?" Lacus asked, nervousness leaking into her quiet, wavering voice.

"Like whom?"

"Like you." That was it. She had admitted it. He knew now. Any second, he would leave, or ask to be left alone.

Surprisingly, the young man seemed not to react. Lacus thought that maybe he hadn't heard her, but when he finally spoke, he was completely calm. "If blaming me is what you need to get through this, then go ahead."

"No, I shouldn't –"

"It's alright. Use me however you want."

"No, I don't… I don't want to use people."

"It's alright. This is the road to recovery. There are many lanes, and this is one of them. I'm on the same road, as was a friend of mine, the girl I told you about." Despite herself, the girl couldn't help but relax into the greenet. The girl's sleep deprivation had caught up with her and her head came to rest on Shani's chest. This wasn't like her, but… perhaps that wasn't a bad thing. After all, the old Lacus was gone. She was changing. She was becoming someone else. Someone different. Someone stronger.

"All humans inevitably use one another. It doesn't matter who they are or where they come from. It's human nature."

"No," Lacus tiredly argued, shaking her head softly. "I don't believe that. I don't believe that there exists such a thing. This world is a dark place and the people whom inhabit it are horrible, but they don't have to be. It doesn't have to be this way. I believe that to be the most beautiful thing in this world: the fact that it doesn't have to be like this. Humans can live without conflict. We can ideally all get along and be happy."

"In some kind of utopia?"

"Yes."

"That may be a nice dream, but it's not possible."

"Why not?"

"As long as a person's heart is driven by greed, they will never see beyond the superficial. Blinded to all else, they will never look beyond that which sells. Everything in this world is, was, and forever will be nothing but a means to an end. Hell, just look at me. I'm a good example. At least, I was.

"No, you're wrong," Lacus argued, violently shaking her head against the greenet's chest. "You have to be. You just have to be."

"What proof do you have?"

"Faith."

"Faith? It's for the weak. Faith is for dreamers, always deluding themselves with promises of 'one day,' 'someday soon.' They poison their own minds with senseless idealism. Hurtful optimism. In the end, all things wither and die. In the end, you will be disappointed."

"No, I have to be right. I can't live in a world that refuses to better itself. I believe in redemption. I believe that anyone can change."

"You are forgetting that better and worse are subjective. They are simple words, Pinky. Simple, and meaningless. Tools used to identify and polarize, just like the concept of money. Otherwise seemingly useless sheets of paper. In our minds, however, they are more valuable than human life. This is a world in which its inhabitants would kill their own relatives simply to obtain a few sheets of paper."

"That's not true."

"It is. And I have to admit, it was a brilliant scam. Originally, people traded in precious metals. Gold and silver. Pleasing to the eye, and useful. Genuinely valuable. Not merely symbolic and cheap. Now, however…"

"We trade in money."

"That's right. The most valuable denomination of currency is printed on paper. A product of the wooden pulp that is so abundant. If you honestly believe that this world can change, you are on a road to disappointment."

"Stop. Please, just… just change the subject."

"What's wrong, Pinky? You don't like this conversation anymore? We've hit subject matter you don't like, and so you refuse to talk about it. Why am I not surprised?"

"What about this friend of yours. You said she saved you."

"She did."

"Did she agree with you about all this?"

"That girl… her mind was occupied solely with the short term. That's the kind of person she was. That was the kind of place we had to call our home. We were experimented on and fed countless drugs. We were observed at all times. If we survived the tests, we lived to suffer another day. It was our reward."

"And those who didn't survive?"

"They were disposed of. We meant nothing to our owners. As I said, we were a means to an end."

"What about this girl though?"

"What does it matter?"

"If you don't mind, who was she?"

"A friend. We became close." Lacus noticed that Shani's tone, as well as his demeanour, seemed to change along with the topic of discussion. When he spoke of ideals, he became bitter and cold, even patronizing. But when discussion turned to this friend, his tone changed, became softer, kinder, more human, in a sense.

"Did she share your… view of the world?"

"No… but like I said, she concerned herself only with short-term matters, such as surviving the night."

"Tell me about her." Shani looked down at the pink haired girl.

There was something about this pink haired girl. She seemed so fragile, but on the inside, the greenet sensed a certain strength. Perhaps hidden, blocked off. Inaccessible for the present, yet far from dead. When the pinkette spoke her beliefs, she did so with such determination, as though she honestly believed the things she preached.

A part of her reminded Shani of the girl who had helped him survive up until now. In some respects, the two were similar, but in other ways, they differed greatly. Right now, the girl needed help. She needed someone. In that, she and the other girl were the same.

Shani placed his hand at the back of Lacus' head, supporting it as she leaned against him, attempting to wordlessly communicate with her. Attempting to let her know that she could let down her guard and relax. He could feel that she was still a little tense.

"Her name was Stella," the young man spoke, his tone soft and subtle. "She was two years younger than I." The greenet stopped talking, unsure of how he should continue."

"Keep talking," Lacus softly requested. She now rested her cheek against Shani's chest, the way that Stella had once done. She could feel the vibrations of his voice as he spoke. Just like the deep voice that made them, she found them strangely comforting.

"She had short blonde hair. Her eyes were… unique, but often filled with fear and uncertainty. We found each other, and used each other.

"Used?"

"That's right. In a place like that, many of us paired up, so that each would watch another's back, and all would have someone to turn to. Someone going through the same thing. I used to look at these people with contempt. I hated them for their weakness."

"Friendship is not a weakness. It is the foundation of strength."

"In this world, everyone is alone. We are all born alone, and we die alone. Companionship is an illusion. A pointless farce. At least, that was what I had come to believe at the time. I didn't know any of the others. I couldn't trust them. For all I knew, they could have stabbed me in the back." The greenet's metaphor was as literal as it was figurative.

"But you were all in it together, weren't you? What good would turning on each other do?"

"One who is miserable finds happiness in the suffering of others. To harm another is to heal oneself. It is human nature."

Lacus shook her head. There it was again. 'Human nature.' Lacus detested that word. Humanity had not always followed the course it was currently on. It had not always been this way. This was merely the current trend. It had not always been this way. Mankind had changed, become corrupt. They could change again. They could all become better people. Lacus was sure of it. She herself was changing. It wasn't easy, but it was possible. If one person could do it, then so could everyone else.

"There was only so much food to go around. Not enough nourishment and too many mouths to feed. Far too many."

"How come?"

"We were dogs, Pinky, remember that. We were test subjects, only animals to the ones in charge, and we were treated as such. We were fed table scraps. Given whatever was left over, like pigs on a farm. If one of us were to disappear, it would take our owners time to arrange a replacement. In that short window, the survivors could gorge themselves on a tiny bit more."

"That's… that's sickening."

"Perhaps… but that was the way we lived. And because of it, because of that, one of us received one experiment too many. Some nameless, faceless victim died during the night. It took the bastards in charge two weeks to find a replacement. So for two weeks, we experienced our version of paradise. A break. Two weeks without torture. Two weeks with a tiny bit more nourishment." Shani paused.

He could feel the girl who lay against him. He could feel her slow breathing.

"Two weeks, and then she came." Again, he paused. Waiting for the Pinkette to respond, yet she didn't.

"Stella. In two weeks' time, they had found a replacement. They had found another forsaken orphan and sentenced her to hell. And it was her. She had arrived."

The pinkette's breathing had slowed, had swallowed. It seemed that Shani's story had a purpose other than mere entertainment. Lacus had used him. As much as she claimed to detest the idea, she had done it. Her sluggish breaths signified the truth.

Apparently, Shani's speech had some kind of soothing effect, or perhaps the girl's mind had finally given into the sleep it so needed. She had finally gotten what she wanted. Lacus was now asleep.

Leaning back against the sofa, Shani closed his eyes.

Much had happed in the past few hours. A day before, he had been a mere test subject. And now, what was he? Could this be called freedom? Had this unfortunate young woman freed him from his life of torment?

No, it was not possible. Without the drugs to sustain him, Shani's life was destined to end just as soon as it had begun.

How long could he last without his bittersweet Glipheptin? Days? Weeks? Dare he say months?

It wasn't really worth thinking about. There was nothing he could do about it, so what was the point?

As he let out a breath full of air, he caught his hand absentmindedly stroking the short, soft hair of the sleeping pinkette who rested against him. His eyes focused on her for a time. Although she had ultimately sealed his fate, perhaps Shani should be grateful to her. After all, he was away from that place. He had escaped, just like Stella.

Even if his life had been shortened, he was never guaranteed a long one in the first place. Back where he had lived prior, Shani could never have let down his guard and relaxed like this. If he did, he wouldn't have woken up the next morning. Perhaps the low quantity of days until he hit the full wall of withdrawal could be compensated with quality.

Besides, with its stale reek of dread and impending doom, the accursed angel of death brought a form of freedom, did it not?

* * *

**Is it just me, or does Shani begin to sound like Rau in this chapter? That wasn't intentional… Oh well. The next update shouldn't take so long. It will be about the next morning, obviously.**

**I started writing a new story last night. It is an angst story featuring Lacus. It was inspired by several different stories. It will be told in several one-shots and/or short multi-chapter stories, like Trial of the Flesh. all of them stand-alone stories, but flowing in a series, in the way that this follows 'Laughter.' I don't know when the first one will be done, but it probably won't be a very long entry. The working title for this project is 'feeling filthy.'**

* * *

**Shameless Advertising Segment: **I've put up a new forum for the purposes of making beta requests, challenges, and discussions about stories, fandoms, and anything in general. Look on my profile for the link.

The URL for my forums should be as follows: .net/myforums/morbid333/1501241/


	3. Stella

**The Unwanted**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gundam Seed

**Stella**

"_Nothing's ever easy when you do it yourself,  
All that you can do is try,  
Life's not unfair, life's just life,  
Death not suicide." – 'Be all, End all' - Anthrax_

The girl's breathing shifted. Deepened. It was so subtle a thing, yet perceived by the room's only other occupant.

Slowly, her eyes opened. Her head turned slightly to the side, to face the greenet. Glazed eyes stared blankly at him for an immeasurable length of time. Wordlessly, she lay against him, her head against his chest, as it had been the night before. She looked up at him. He seemed not to notice.

Finally, he turned his attention to the pink haired girl. From his higher angle, he was able to look down at her. His expression remained neutral. He didn't even move, as if waiting for something. For a sign from her. For anything to tell him of her stance, of her position, of her feelings.

The girl blinked her blue eyes. The longer she laid here, the more alert she became, and the more she realized that she had to move away from the young man.

As tired as she may have been, as willing and content as she was to simply lie there, she knew she had to do something. She had to move. Slowly, Lacus gathered her strength and sat up, moving away from the green haired young man.

They sat in silence, neither talking to the other. What was it that had happened the night before? Why had Lacus allowed herself to get so close to him? What had she been thinking? It had not been like her. She'd never been forward like that with Kira. It had taken years for her to reveal her feelings, and when she finally had, he had rejected her.

Turning her head, Lacus saw that Shani wasn't looking at her. He seemed to be staring straight ahead, or perhaps simply staring out into space. Suddenly, he looked at her. Still with that blank expression upon his face, in his hollow, empty eyes.

"Um… about last night," the girl began. She knew this conversation had to take place, but she didn't know how to go about it. And her voice gave way to her awkwardness. Shani wasn't helping matters, either, with his silent stare. "I… I may have given a certain impression and…"

The greenette nodded without sound, as though he knew where this was going.

"It's just that… I was tired, and I couldn't sleep. I came out for the pills, not to see you. I'm sorry about that, but when I got out here, I couldn't leave you alone."

"You don't need to explain," Shani replied. "I knew what you were after."

"But beyond that. When you were telling me your story, we got close. I mean we… I slept beside you. I don't want you to get the wrong idea about me. I'm not…"

"You were only using me to get some sleep," Shani summarized.

"No! It wasn't like that," Lacus defensively demanded.

"Was I of use?" Lacus eyes widened.

She turned away, unable to meet Shani's gaze. His words spoke truth, and it wounded her just how bitter her own lies tasted on her tongue.

"Was I?" When Lacus answered, her tone was dead, the volume barely audible.

"Yes."

"Then it was worth it."

Lacus gave a deprecating sigh. She stood and wordlessly exited the room.

It hadn't been like that. At least, Lacus hadn't intended it to. She didn't go out to sit with him last night because she needed someone to help her sleep. The reason was… she…

Entering the bathroom, Lacus reached for a towel and placed it on the rack next to the shower before turning on the water. After undressing, she stepped under the weeping showerhead and allowed its autumn rain to sprinkle over her, dampening her skin and saturating her hair.

Passing her hands through her vibrant pink tresses, her periwinkle eyes visibly widened for a moment. Then she remembered. Her hair was short now. It had been for a full day. At least it would be easier to wash from now on. Her morning showers wouldn't take nearly as long as they had before.

Deciding to waste no time, she poured a small amount of shampoo into her hand and began lathering it into her hair, massaging it into her scalp.

What was she going to do? Shani. Had she truly used him the previous night? Had she used him just so she could sleep? No, it hadn't been her intention. But… it had worked. There was no denying it. Shani had worked as well as any sedative; perhaps even better.

Lacus hadn't thought she would ever be able to get a good night's sleep again. Shani's story; perhaps it was his voice; perhaps it was a simple coincidence, or maybe it was him. He was somehow able to gift the girl with sleep.

He deserved to be thanked for that. Lacus didn't know how, but she had to do something for him; something to show him her gratitude. But what, what could she do, what would he want her to do, what would he appreciate?

The truth was, Lacus just didn't know. She didn't know Shani at all. She didn't know a single thing about him.

After her shower, Lacus had emerged from the bathroom draped only in a towel before hurriedly making her way to her bedroom.

Dressed in a fresh set of clothing, Lacus returned to the living room, where she found Shani, in the same spot she'd left him. As she presented herself to the greenet, she was dressed in a black turtleneck and grey pants.

As she looked to her guest, a solemn expression graced her ghostly features. Though the shower had refreshed her somewhat, Lacus was still unsure of what to do in relation to Shani, and her uncertainty showed.

She momentarily froze as a violet eye shifted its attention over to her. Swallowing, she pushed the fragile thoughts to the back of her mind. She could deal with them later. For now, it was as Shani had said earlier. Perhaps a distraction _was_ in order.

Breakfast. She could try and resurrect her unused culinary abilities, or at least see what she had available in the cupboards. Alternatively, perhaps they should go out to eat. Lacus had a little money on her.

"Um… do you want some breakfast?" Shani shrugged his shoulders at her.

"You don't have to bother."

"Well, I was thinking we could maybe go out somewhere and get something to eat. Would you… want to come?" For a long time that eye stared at her, until finally, it closed, and after a sharp exhale, its owner conceded.

"Okay." That settled it.

It hadn't taken them particularly long to ready themselves for their trip out into town. Lacus simply needed a jacket and a pair of shoes, while Shani was already wearing everything that he owned. After phoning for a taxi, the pair was ready to go before it arrived.

After the ten minute ride, the pair found themselves standing outside a small café. Lacus paid their driver and waved him off before walking to stand beside Shani.

"So what do you think?" she asked. "We should be able to get something to eat in here."

"Whatever you say."

"Something wrong?" Lacus sweetly asked.

"No," the greenet evaded.

"Are you sure?" Something about Shani told the pinkette that he was hiding something.

"I'm not what you'd call a 'people person.' Don't expect me to be chatty."

"You were talking to me last night."

"Only because you wanted to know about Stella."

"It's a shame. I was hoping you could continue that story." Shani hesitated for a moment.

"You mean it?"

"Of course."

"Last night, it put you to sleep."

"That was… I'm still interested in hearing the story."

"You don't want to wait until tonight?" Lacus shook her head.

"Tell me now?" Shani paused, as though taking time to think about it.

"Okay."

"Wait until we get in. You can tell me as we eat." Shani nodded his agreement and the pair walked into the small, white building.

The café's interior gave off a distinctly woody atmosphere. The tables were all stained and varnished a rich brown. The walls were a storm of dark reds and browns.

Tables were spread out about the floor in no particular order. They made the place appear random and cluttered. Lacus turned her attention to her green haired companion.

"What would you like?" She asked.

"What do they sell here?"

The girl turned her attention to the bar-like counter against the back wall, behind which were situated attendants, pricing various food items for their customers and accepting payment.

"It's a standard café," Lacus answered. "You can get sandwiches, cakes, milkshakes, coffee… that kind of thing."

"Could we not have had a sandwich back at your place?"

"We could have… but I don't have much left in the cupboards. I'll have to resupply soon. Well, I know I don't have any meat at home. That's something you can get here."

"Meat sandwiches…" Shani muttered. His comment went unheard.

"So, what will you have?"

"Anything. I don't care. Just get me whatever you're having."

"Okay. And to drink?"

"Coffee. Black."

"Um, could you be a little more specific." Shani sighed.

He hadn't been in a place like this in a while. The old memories were bubbling to the surface. They were beginning to irritate him like a rash. He was beginning to recall his reason for avoiding Cafeterias. And it wasn't simply because of the attention he drew from the waitresses.

"Look, I really couldn't care less about the technical details or how long they spend roasting their beans. Just get me something dark, unsweetened, caffeinated, and liquid that doesn't have any milk in it."

"Uh, sure. You pick out a table and I'll bring it over." Shani nodded and turned his back on the pink haired girl.

Making his way over to a table by the window, Shani found one with two chairs. It was an intimate thing. The dark brown wood was varnished to a glorious sheen. Sitting down, the young man was able to see his own reflection in the table top.

Though the colours were slightly distorted, he could make out the thick, green, unkempt hair that fell over the left side of his face. His violet eye on the unobscured right side. The paleness of his skin. His tattered, rag-like white t-shirt, and an old, worn black jacket that was torn. Rips and holes were visible here and there. All over the fabric, but especially along the sleeves.

Unseen were the ripped jeans he wore, torn at the knee. Beneath the table. He couldn't see them, but he knew they were there. He knew what people saw when they looked upon him. He knew why they leered, glared, and recoiled. It was only natural that they should fear him.

And there was nothing wrong with that. Shani happened to be perfectly fine with the arrangement. It kept everyone from approaching him. They feared him too much. They feared their perception of him. They feared his appearance, the one he had crafted for himself. And they feared his reputation. The one they had crafted for him, for themselves, in their deluded, vain, narrow fucking minds. But whatever. Screw them. Fuck them and their god-forsaken ideals.

If it kept everybody at a distance, then as far as Shani was concerned, it was worth it. Unfortunately, it didn't always work. There was always some conformist or other prejudiced asshole that didn't get the message and felt the need to approach him. Other times, some religious nut would turn up and try to 'save' him. To liberate his mind and soul from the very one to whom they were bound. Such arrogance. Xenophobic elitism at its fucking purest.

Then there was Lacus.

She was different. Shani couldn't quite figure her out. At first, she seemed like the others. No different from the rest of the despicable filth that inhabited this wretched planet. But… there was something about the pink haired girl. Something that marked her apart from the others. Something that told him… he didn't know what it was saying. He didn't know what 'it' was.

He shook the thoughts from his mind. Now wasn't the time to think of them, anyway. Lacus had approached the table, plastic, brown tray, laden with plates and cups in hand.

She divided the different items of food and passed one half to the green haired young man. Picking up a large coffee mug, she handed it to him, along with the hot, dark, almost black liquid contained within.

Taking the second cup for herself, she took a sip of the light, creamy drink. It was a little hot, so she put it down for the moment.

She picked up the two identical sandwiches and handed one to her male companion.

"I hope you like turkey," she said.

"Never had it," Shani shrugged, accepting the sandwich and unwrapping it.

"Never?"

"No."

"What about chicken?"

"Never."

"Duck?" Shani sighed. This conversation was going absolutely nowhere.

"I've never had the chance to eat any kind of bird."

"What about red meat?"

"At the orphanage, we were fed on salmon. After that, after I was adopted and sent to that other place, we almost never ate meat."

"Almost never? What do you mean?"

"We occasionally received ham."

"Why ham?"

"Don't ask me," Shani shrugged, taking a bite from his sandwich.

"Do you like it?" Shani nodded.

"It's… better than I expected."

"Glad to hear it," Lacus smiled. She unwrapped her own sandwich and took a bite, taking a moment to savour the meat on her tongue. She hadn't tasted this in such a long time. She had missed the flavour.

The pair ate in silence, alone in their isolated space. The tables around them were strangely empty, as though some kind of deadly radiation were being emitted from the couple. It was as though people were avoiding them, giving them a wide berth.

The café was populated evenly, save for the place in which Lacus and Shani sat. Why? "Is there something wrong with this place?" She wondered aloud. Shani raised an eyebrow at the question. "Everyone's avoiding this side of the café," she explained.

"Get used to it," Shani sourly spoke. "If you intend to be in my company for very long, this is something you'll face a lot."

"They avoid you? Why?"

"People fear what they don't understand. Fear turns to animosity, which becomes indignation. How dare I be different from them? Why isn't their way good enough for me? I deserve to be taught a lesson. I deserve to be punished for insulting their values."

"That can't be true."

"It is."

"But… that way of thinking is idiocy."

"Try telling _them_ that. You'll just be wasting your breath. Still, as long as they stay away, they can think what they like."

"You honestly believe that? You don't care?"

"Not if I don't have to put up with their shit." Lacus looked around. It was hard to imagine. All these people, keeping such a distance, and being so obvious about it, as though they wanted the two of them to know, as if they wanted to show them that they were not wanted. That they were not welcome here.

"That's not entirely the case though, is it?" Again, Shani's only physical form of response was the mere raise of an eyebrow. It was enough of a gesture to show that he was listening, waiting for her to continue, to clarify her own statement. "You say you don't want to deal with them, but they make it so obvious that they are avoiding you… us."

"So?" It was obvious that the greenette didn't follow her train of thought. He truly was oblivious.

"How can you possibly evade an issue that is so blatantly in your face?"

"It's not worth thinking about. As long as they don't approach me, I don't care what they do. It's not my problem."

"Do they ever approach?"

"Unfortunately, they sometimes do."

"And what happens then?" Shani lifted his mug and poured a portion of the black, unsweetened liquid into his mouth. He swallowed the mouthful of coffee before sending a hollow glance at the pinkette sitting across from him. He spoke, his voice as empty as his eyes.

"It's not pretty. I suggest you leave it at that." Mesmerized by Shani's deathly gaze, Lacus felt a chill run down her spine. She silently gulped, saliva turning hard and heavy in her throat. She decided to change the subject.

"So, what you were telling me last night," She alluded, "Can you continue that story?"

"I suppose."

"So, your friend… What was her name again?"

"Stella."

"Right. What was she like? Who was she?"

"She was… quiet. She didn't say much, but it didn't matter. Because neither did I. Maybe that's why we got on. She had a tendency to stare out into space. Sometimes for hours on end."

"Hours?" Shani nodded.

"Some of the others looked at her and saw what she was at face value. A willing participant for a good time. After all, she wasn't likely to say no. She wasn't likely to say or do anything, no matter what they did to her."

"Did they…?" Shani paused, taking a drink of the black liquid. He stared directly into Lacus' eyes before answering.

"No. Not while I was with her. They didn't dare."

"How come?"

"In case you hadn't noticed, I tend to intimidate people. I disturb them, freak them out. I was one of the first to be there. Clotho and Orga. The three of us were among the first of the forsaken children to be dumped on death's doorstep, though we were far from children by that time. We weren't all orphaned, either. Although two of us were from the same orphanage, some of us had more colourful backgrounds."

"How do you mean?"

"Clotho, or Crot, as we called him. He showed up a little after Orga and I. He was being charged with assault or something when death got his hands on him."

"Assault?"

"He beat the living shit out of his foster parents, or so I heard. I don't know what provoked him, but I guess I can relate. The three of us were part of the 'first generation.' We were subjected to experimentation before the others arrived, and we were being pumped full of shit that made the newer stuff seem like sugar water."

"I don't follow."

"Early stage experiments, primitive formulae. Early, unstable prototypes, get it?"

"Oh…."

"Stella came late into the fold. She was already fucked up before we met. I never did find out what happened to her… what made her the way she was."

"So what was she like then? Describe her for me."

"She had blonde hair, unique magenta eyes… her voice was soft, soothing, but often fearful. She also had a laugh. It rarely sounded, but when it did… it was …the sweetest sound I've ever heard." There was a long silence after that admission.

"Well, that's her appearance, but what about _her_? Who was she, what was her personality, what was she like? Not just what she looked like."

"There's not much to tell. It's hard to explain." Lacus decided to give him time.

"As I said, she was quiet. We didn't speak a lot. It was more of a silent agreement that we'd look out for each other. She was secretive, or maybe she just didn't like to talk about her past… who would? Not even I know everything that happened to her. I do know that she was orphaned shortly before arriving."

"I…" Lacus swallowed hard. The clues fit into place. Did she really need to know? Did she want to? She was unsure of the answer, but she had to ask. "I'm assuming she wasn't a virgin at this point?" Shani shook his head. "Was she raped?"

"Probably… it's not something she was willing to talk about, but I gather that her parent's deaths weren't an accident."

"I suppose that's elementary."

"She didn't deserve what happened. She was never cut out for a life like this."

"How come?"

"Too soft. To kind. Despite everything, she remained optimistic. After all the shit she's seen, she refused to believe that the world is at fault. She refused to believe in the disease of humanity. Her faith was in redemption, in change… for all the good it's done. Things don't get better. People don't change."

"She was right, wasn't she?"

"No! People can't change. Leopards don't change their spots. Carnivores don't eat vegetarian diets, and revolutions never last. The world will never improve, and people will never change their ways. Most are too weak. The others don't care."

"But Stella wouldn't be convinced."

"No. Despite her frail appearance, she was strong on the inside. She would allow things to pass. She would allow herself to be subjected to unspeakable things. She would lie there and take it, but her will was unbendable. Her spirit would never break. I don't know if that part of her was a remnant from her old self, or if events in her life had given her this inner strength. Hell, maybe she'd always been like that. Maybe she hasn't changed at all. It could be that she was just some weird girl that everybody avoided in the schoolyard. Some quiet girl that stared into space and watched the trees grow."

"I think I understand."

"Do you?"

"Kind of. I'd probably have to meet with her to be sure." Shani nodded.

"Would you like to see her?"

"Do you want to visit her?" Shani hesitated, but finally, he nodded.

"I think I should. It would be best. I owe her that."

"Would it be alright if I came along?"

"If you're sure you really want to." Lacus nodded In agreement, taking a drink from her mug.

"If it's okay, then I want to come with you."

"We'll go once you're done then." Shani raised his mug to his lips and said no more. The rest of their meal was to be had in silence.

* * *

The taxi pulled them further and further away from the centre of the city. Wherever Stella lived, it must have been in a remote place. Far away from the Capital, perhaps even secluded. Was she in hiding? Was she alone? Lacus wondered. Would she welcome the company of guests, or would they be an unwelcome burden?

If Stella truly were hiding from these sociopathic people, perhaps going to see her would be more trouble that it was worth. If anyone knew where they were headed. If anyone happened to be watching Shani… they could be leading enforcers of this crime lord directly to Stella's hiding place.

All of a sudden, Lacus wasn't sure that this was such a good idea.

"Uh, are you sure we should be doing this?" the girl voiced her concern.

"We're almost there," Shani responded. "It's a little late to be having second thoughts, Pinky. But if you prefer, you can wait outside. I'm going."

"I know it's inconvenient but… are you sure Stella wants guests? Maybe we shouldn't disturb her."

"I don't see why she should mind."

"But what if somebody follows us?"

"Why would they? As far as they're concerned, Stella and I aren't worth worrying about."

"But you live. Don't you know too much?" Shani shrugged.

"I'm a fuckin' junkie. Nobody in their right mind would believe a word I say. That bastard wants willing and vulnerable victims, not corpses. And even if they did, even if they wanted to test new drugs on a deceased body, the blond prick has plenty already. What use could he possibly have for two more?"

"I suppose that makes sense," Lacus replied, feeling less than reassured.

"You worry too much," the greenet offhandedly remarked.

Lacus looked away. Perhaps he was right. Maybe Shani had a point. After all, it was worrying so much that had led her to her current predicament. It was her self-conscious, self-induced torment that had taken Kira from her and driven away all her friends. It was worrying that had taken everyone and everything from her.

Perhaps worrying and over-thinking were her enemies. Was such a thing possible? Resting back against the firm furnishing of the car's back seat, Lacus released her pent up tension with a heavy sigh, as though purifying her mind and body of the destructive thoughts.

Maybe… maybe he had a point. Lacus wordlessly turned her head to face the green haired young man beside her. He sat casually, one knee bent up close to his body, foot resting on the upholstery. It wasn't worth noting that he'd neglected to put on his seat belt.

In his current posture, his thick, green hair fell over his eyes and his arm was draped lazily over the top of the bench-like seat, resting horizontally over the top. His long, extended arm reached past the far side of the girl's body.

The way they were positioned, one might mistake the sight and think he'd placed his arm around the pinkette's shoulders, in some kind of affectionate embrace. Lacus pushed the foolish thought from her mind.

The young man suddenly shifted, turning to face her, as if noticing her staring.

"What?" he asked.

"Uh, nothing," Lacus replied, shaking her head, taking the opportunity to avert her gaze.

"If you say so," Shani dismissed.

The gold and white sedan pulled out of the stream of traffic and came to a halt in a deserted stretch of road beside a large metal fence. Stepping out of the car and paying the driver, Lacus walked around to the footpath and looked about her while she waited for Shani to join her.

It was a sorry position in which Lacus found herself. Her last few dollars were disappearing into this trip. Very soon, Lacus would have nothing on which to live. She wanted to help out the young man as much as she could, but the gulf between that dram and its reality was becoming clear to her.

With no source of income, Lacus would soon find herself homeless. She'd be of no use to herself, and no use to anyone else. How could she possibly help Shani? They'd both end up on the street. She couldn't do that. She couldn't let that happen. Something had to be done. Something.

"You okay?" the young man asked. By the sound of his voice, Lacus knew that he wasn't concerned. It was only a way to wake her up, to move her along.

"Uh, yeah," the pinkette replied, snapping out of her reverie.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I was just thinking."

"You're looking serious." It was a serious situation.

"I'm fine," the pinkette assured him. "Let's go." Shani nodded his head and lead the way.

The greenet stepped ahead of his companion and opened the large, creaky gate. The sound was eerie and unwelcome.

Lacus followed the young man up the path. As she walked, she noticed the eerie silence. The stillness of the air. The unkempt grass on either side of the footpath, as though it hadn't been groomed in quite a while.

"Is it far?" she asked, her voice seeming weak, barely sounding at all. Lacus had to wonder if Shani had heard her query at all. Regardless, even if he had heard her, he wasn't responding.

The duo travelled in dead silence. It was as though this place were hallowed land. As though a church or museum, or something equally, dauntingly similar.

The hill, up which they walked, grew substantially in its gradient. It was the kind of road Lacus could imagine runners taking as part of their daily training, muscles glistening with sweat as though placed under tiny spotlights from some invisible source.

Needless to say, the pinkette's breath was beginning to leave her. Lacus was still tired from the previous sleepless night and this trek was wearing her out, the fatigue hovering over body and mind like some ghastly spirit, though in actuality, she hadn't been walking for much longer than a few minutes.

To her, the green hill seemed more like a mountain climb. It was a shockingly clear testament to her recent scared shut-in lifestyle.

The sun was shining. There wasn't a single cloud to dot the clear, blue sky. The outside world was as Lacus had remembered it, yet it was an unfortunate circumstance that the day's trek couldn't have led her to a more pleasant location.

The weather was dry and hot, and the girl could have wished for a gentle breeze to blow through her short, pink hair. But again, she was here for a reason. They were to pay a visit, not discuss the weather.

They had come to visit her. They were here to see Stella.

Those two would reunite. Beyond that, who knew? Perhaps Shani would stay here. Perhaps they would both want to go home with the pinkette, such as it was.

Truth be told, Lacus wasn't totally sure for how long she might have a home. How could she play host in such a circumstance? It was a difficult situation, barely possible to imagine, let alone position herself within to play a role.

It was unthinkable. Lacus turned her attention instead to her surroundings.

The dreary, ghostlike atmosphere. The unkempt, grassy floor below their feet. The slab stone monuments sticking out of the ground.

The feeling bubbled up within her, rising from the pit of her stomach as though it were a toxic stew in a cauldron.

Nausea, hunger, thirst, exhaustion. Her mouth felt dry, and yet it was watering beyond her control. Her pace slowed.

She was going to be sick. This place, it couldn't be, could it? Her eyes turned to Shani, peering through the back of his head.

This wasn't real. It was some kind of sick joke. It had to be. This was a gravesite. A cemetery!

Why had Shani brought her to this place?

They came to stop by one of the graves, and Lacus felt physically sick. Was this what he'd meant all along? Is this what they'd come all this way for?

Lacus had been sure they were here to see Stella. A live human being. Someone who had escaped her life of torture. Somebody that Shani had helped. What was this?

"This is it," the greenet spoke.

"This is her?" Lacus asked, "This is Stella?" A small part of her was sure this was all a bad joke. A small part of her was sure that Shani would turn around any minute now and laugh at her. He didn't.'

The young man turned, but his eyes held no amusement. Only a hard, solemn bitterness.

"Yeah. This is her. Not what you were expecting?" Shani didn't know just how true that remark was. This wasn't what Lacus had been expecting at all. This was about as far from it as one could get.

"I don't understand. You said that you wanted to see her, to meet her." Shani shook his head slowly.

"I said I came to see her, and here she is."

"But, you helped her to escape, didn't you? How did this happen?"

"Stella did escape. She's at peace now. She doesn't have to be afraid anymore. Nobody will ever be able to hurt her again."

"This, is her escape?" Lacus demanded. "She's dead, she can never laugh, or smile, or think, or talk again!"

"Don't lecture me, pinky!" the man growled. Lacus' eyes widened fearfully. "You think I don't know that? You think I wanted her dead? Stella was the only friend I've ever had, and I'm not even sure we had that. She was the closest thing I had…" he turned away from the pinkette. "Hell, she was the only one who would put up with me, Christ knows why. All I ever did was belittle her every fucking belief."

"I'm sure she didn't see it that way."

"How would you know? You weren't there." Lacus opened her mouth to retort, but found no response would come. "You know, I've never particularly liked other people. Stella would always argue about that with me. I'd blame everything on human nature, and she'd try to change my mind."

Shani shifted slightly, turning back to face Lacus once more. "She was a dreamer," he continued, "like you. She wished for a tomorrow. She hoped for a better world. She wanted a better place to live. Not just for herself, but for everyone. Even me."

Beginning to pace, Shani walked past the pinkette. "And what happened? This. This… death. She went and got herself killed." The greenet stopped moving, his eyes staring intently at Lacus. "Because this is what happens," he spoke, drawing the girl's attention to their present location, "to dreamers."

"No…" Lacus uttered, her protest unheard.

"Dreamers, schemers, tycoons, beggars, homeless junkies, everyone, even you and me, it happens to us all. It happens to everyone in the end. A dark escape. A cold embrace. Death. No matter how hard we try, no matter how hard a zealous man might prey, it catches up with all of us, sooner or later."

Shani bent down and sat on the grass before Stella's modest, lonely grave.

"Whatever we do, he continued, "however righteous or wicked others may perceive us to be, we're all the same on the inside. We're all flesh, blood, and bone. We're all equally grotesque beneath the skin," he paused to look at Lacus before continuing, taking in her face.

"Even if some of us are more pleasant to look at. We're all cheap. We're all superficial at heart, albeit some of us more so than others.

"And this is what comes of us. This is what happens. This, inevitably, is what we become: worm fodder. A grave, just a simple hole in the ground, shallow, and unmarked, forgotten and neglected; for some of us, perhaps life and death have no real distinction after all. Neglect, abuse, disdain; it's nothing I haven't seen before, and it's nothing that Stella didn't experience in life.

"In the end, we're all the same, no matter how hard we try to segregate ourselves. In the end, this is what we all have to look forward to."

Lacus waited for the Greenet to continue, to start up again, but he didn't.

"Is that all of it?" she asked. Shani looked to her.

"I won't apologise," he muttered.

"Don't worry about that," Lacus dismissed. She'd come to realise that keeping certain expectations would only lead to disappointment. Shani wasn't a caring individual, and he wasn't one to pamper the ideals of noble etiquette. After all, Shani was as different from Lacus as anyone the pink haired girl had ever met. "Should I give you some time alone?"

The greenet shrugged, which lacus took to mean 'yes.'

"I'll be by the road," she told him. At the sight of his nod, the girl slowly moved away.

Lacus couldn't say how long she stood alone in the graveyard. She hadn't a watch on her. She knew only the heat of the sun, the feel of the long, dry grass beneath her feet, and the hard mud beneath that.

She heard only the silence of the grave, and saw no sign of the green haired young man.

She knew only the thoughts swimming furiously about the interior of her head.

What kinds of horrors had Shani been subjected too to make him so bitter. What Lacus had heard so far was horrifying, but there had to be more to it than that.

Stella, too. The both of them must have been through so much. They were lucky to have each other, to go through it all together; of course, it was terribly unfortunate that they should have to face such horrors at all. In comparison, Lacus' problems were like nothing at all.

Kira had left her. Her friends had abandoned her, but Lacus' own torment was self-inflicted. It had been her that had made a bad situation worse. It was her fault, nobody else's.

Seeing what other people had to go through, Lacus felt so stupid for making such a big deal of things. Her life, her relationships, all this time: all wasted.

Turning her head, Lacus noticed the greenet walking slowly toward her, his expression grim. His face set, his jaw appeared clenched. The pinkette walked forward to meet him, but froze stiff upon sight of his reaction.

The greenet collapsed, Teeth clenched, right hand clasping at the side of his face, fingers covering his eye as though enduring the pain of some kind of trauma or migraine.

It was so sudden, as though the plot intricately woven by a lethal assassin. Without sound, and without event, the man went down.

"Shani!" the girl cried without thinking. Instinctively, eyes wide, her mind went blank and she rushed to his side, crouching down.

"Shani?" The girl nudged him with her hand. She tried tapping her fingers on his shoulder, and against her collarbone. "Can you hear me? What's wrong? Shani!"

What was wrong with him? Why had he collapsed? Why was he not responding? Why couldn't he hear her? Was it the withdrawal effect from the drug?

Lacus froze, unbreathing. The panic within her was blinding. She couldn't let this happen. She wouldn't let Shani die on her. Not so soon after meeting him. She couldn't be alone again.

The girl felt her eyes water, the hot fluid overflowing and running slowly down her face. It was stupid, she knew. Lacus hadn't known Shani for more than a day, but even so, she couldn't imagine going home without him.

"Shani!" she cried in one last attempt to rouse him.

"Did anyone tell you you've got an annoying voice?" Shani asked weakly. Lacus looked down. Shani, he was alive!

Lacus couldn't contain the smile that erupted on her face.

"You scared me," the pinkette admitted.

"Don't wear your heart on your sleeves," the young man replied. Even in his weakened state, Shani's voice managed to sound deep and comforting. "That's your entire problem. That's why you've become a scared shut-in, isn't it?" He managed a small chuckle at the girl's expense. "You should keep your emotions buried within, under your control. They're only a weakness as they are. You'll leave yourself open to hurt. You're hurt will become fear, and you'll become a recluse. Or worse, maybe you'll become like me."

"Don't say that. What happened, was it the withdrawal?"

"Yeah."

"Come on, we need to get going." Shani shook his head.

"Go home, pinky."

"Can you walk?"

"Just leave me here. You'll be better off without me." Lacus' eyes snapped open at the realization of what Shani was suggesting. Her head shook wildly from side to side.

"No!"

"Glipheptin isn't a drug someone can stop taking. We both knew it would come to this. I'm better off dying here than stuck in your house."

"Don't say that. You can't. You can't die, not here, not like this."

"I'd die if I were with you anyway. I'd end up as a corpse rotting in your living room. How did you think you would deal with that? How were you planning to dispose of me?" Lacus had no answer. "Maybe it's for the best… that we came here. If nothing more, it's…" the young man's lip pulled upward into a smirk as his eyes closed, "convenient."

"No!" Lacus adamantly exclaimed. "I won't let you die here. I'm taking you back, even if I have to carry you."

"As if you could," the greenet sneered. "Just go on, go home. You'll be better off without me."

"But what about you?"

"I'm where I belong, with Stella. I'm dead now, whatever happens. You've got your whole life ahead of you, don't throw it away. Whatever happened in the past, you're not as bad off as you probably think. You have a house, and everything. Go out, find a job, have fun, get over that guy, and forget about me."

"I… I can't."

"Give it a shot, you never know. Things might work out."

"Why are you talking like this?" Why was he suddenly being so optimistic? He was acting so differently, as though he were a dying father on his deathbed, but he wasn't. He wasn't dying, he couldn't be. Lacus couldn't let him go. Not yet. Not now.

"Are you still here?" the greenet asked, narrowing his eyes. "Go home. I don't need your help, there's nothing you can do, so don't bother."

"But…"

"I don't want you're tears or sympathy, either. You're not a kid anymore, you shouldn't cry so much. Grow up, get a backbone. Fuck off!" Lacus' eyes widened. She couldn't believe he'd just said that.

"I'm done talking. Do what you want; you're on your own now. Goodbye, Pinkie," he said, using the nickname in his usual venomous manner. His eyelids slowly closed, and his head turned away. "And thank you," he added, much quieter. "For everything you did, for what you thought you could do, and for what you tried to do. I can never repay you, but…"

Shani trailed off in silence. Lacus waited for him to continue, but he never did.

"But what?" she asked.

Again, nothing.

"But what?"

Nothing. She tried rousing him, but again, nothing.

"Shani?" Lacus asked, calling the young man's name, the panic once again rising, voice catching in her throat, tear-stricken eyes watering. "Shani? Shani!"

It was no use. He couldn't hear her. The dying terminal greenet had slipped out of consciousness. He no longer moved. He was barely breathing.

How long could he stay alive like this? Lacus didn't want to let him go. She couldn't. She couldn't face it. Why did everybody in her life disappear? Why did everybody always leave her? First Kira, then Cagalli and Athrun, and now this.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't pleasant, and Lacus wanted no part of it.

What he'd said, it was cruel, but it was true. Without him, it looked like she was on her own. She was all alone. Again.

She didn't want this. She couldn't take this. Her head shook in denial.

Lacus didn't sob, but the tears freely flowed, unrestrained by her open eyelids.

He couldn't hear her, but that didn't matter. She didn't care. She needed this. She needed him.

She couldn't live alone. That had been proven to her. She needed someone, as much as anyone had ever needed anything. And right now, he was all she had.

Lacus hovered over him. Her hands were on him. Warm droplets of her open misery fell and pattered onto the bare skin of his face, but the comatose junkie wouldn't be disturbed. He wouldn't rouse, wouldn't wake.

Desperately, Lacus tightened her grip on his shoulders. Perched above him, she shook him. Violently so. His head jerked dangerously, hitting the hard ground again and again as a result of her hysterical interference.

She couldn't bring herself to stop. She couldn't bring herself to leave him. She needed him.

Lacus wept, and feeling her throat grow hoarse, once more, she cried his name.


End file.
